I must admit that I've never been very good at relationships. I could run down my track record but you really don't need to know the details. Relationships are a funny thing. They generally start with infatuation. Sometimes that burns out, other times it doesn't which is a rarity.
A lot of us think that a major problem with relationships is one person trying to change the other. I don't think that's true. I think it's you trying to change for them, trying to become something you think they want you to be instead of being yourself. Big mistake.
When you're young, naive and pliable it's not so hard. As you get older it's near impossible. I will always make a mess when I cook. Oh I'll clean it up but probably not as fast as you'd like. I will always have a cat in my life...maybe 2. I will always disappear for a while just to think. When I need to mentally escape I will always put headphones on and listen to Springsteen or Kristofferson.
I will forget to put the toilet seat down. I will forget birthdays. I'll make up for it but I'll still forget. I will drink wine on Saturday nights. I will avoid confrontation at all costs. I've never believed yelling at each other is a substitute for a civil discussion to work out your problems. I will never make my bed. I will always have a messy car. God, no wonder I'm lousey at this.
There's a great line from Seinfeld that George uses to get out of relationships..."it's not you...it's me". It's the great escape. The perfect way to end it. But it's wrong. It's really "us". When things go south you both know it's happening. One of the two of you has to be the brave one and verbalize it.
A while back I had a long term relationship end. She said...I just can't do this anymore. I said...you're right...neither can I. I think she was more shocked than I was that we came to the same conclusion.
Springsteen (yes Springsteen again) does a song called "Brilliant Disguise". It's all about turning yourself into something you think the other person wants you to be. So from the outset the relationship...isn't necessarily a lie but it is based on a bad premise. We keep trying to fool ourselves into thinking this is going to work. It's a brilliant disguise.
Why do we keep trying? I've never quite figured that out. Maybe we're selfish and we don't want to be alone. Maybe we think the next one will be the right one. Or maybe George is right...maybe it is me.
Well said Rick, sometimes it takes us 30 years to figure it out, but what a huge weight it is until it's removed.
Yea...if it ever is.
I couldn't have said it better myself. I too fell in the trap of losing myself in my relationships. Hopefully our children's relationships are built more on truth of who they really are and like. Hopefully they have the confidence to believe they can be themselves and still be loved.
Thanks Mary, our kids will make mistakes but hopefully they'll go into relationships with their eyes wide open instead of their eyes wide shut.
Well said Rick! Thank goodness I learned from my mistake and can find the humour in it years later. It really was him, of course not me. :)
Arlene, sometimes it takes a lot of time and introspection. I think ultimately you just have to be you, take it or leave it.
Very well said Rick...and what's interesting is as we grow (we are about the same age), I find that it really is ok to be on our own (I also have had quite a few failed attempts at that elusive wedded bliss!). Signed....long time listener, now a daily reader! Thanks Rick.
Thanks Ken, I thing what we're looking for is someone who will accept us for what we are and we'll return the favour. 'Course the problem is finding that person. I watched my parents for past few weeks. They would snap at each other in away I thought would lead to an arguement. But literally within seconds it was back to normal. If that had been me I'd have stewed about it for hours.
You may be right. Alone is good.