Living With A Hernia.

Do you remember the Weird Al song "Living With A Hernia"?   Let me start at the beginning.  A few years ago I bought 45 hundred pounds of rock.  Had it loaded on the back of my truck, drove it home and in a fit of macho madness decided I'd unload it myself.  Not just unolad it myself but unload it and then move it.

A few hours into my labours of Hercules I felt a little..."twang".  That's odd. Never had a feeling like  that before.  Hmmm, no big deal.  I was a stoner (not that kind of a stoner!) and there was stone to move.  Few days later as I stripped down to get into the shower...(settle down it's not a pretty sight)...when I notiiced something.  An illusion or a protrusion?  My God, my innie was an an outie! 

Now I realize that hernias aren't uncommon and I know a lot of people who have had hernia operations.  But I had no idea what this navel node was.  My first thought was........"could this be like the moive "Aliens"?  Was an ET going to burst from my button?"  No Sigourney Weaver to protect me, comfort me, give me succor and possibly a big hug and tell me..."don't worry...I'll take care of the little critter."

I actually didn't know what it was.  So for the longest time I tried to forget it was there.  When I did notice it...I tried to tuck it back in.  Didn't work. It was like a Jack in the Box. Sooner or later pop goes the navel. 

Earlier this week I felt the twinge again.  Then pain.  Then agony. Then torment.  The pain started in my knees, went up through my stomach and stopped at my rib cage.  I put my head down on the island in the kitchen and had a little debate with myself.  Given the choice. of a migraine, an absessed tooth, the Spanish Inquisition or this heinous hernia, which would you choose?  Funny what goes through your mind.  Dr. Kevorkian became an option.

You can't stand up straight. You can't walk. You can't sit. You can't lay down. Well you can but not without a life time of pain.  I finally sat down on a couch in the back part of the house where most of my cats live.  I may have mentioned in previous blogs that I have more than a few cats.  I love them all but when I sit on the couch it's like throwing a magnet into a bag of nails.  They sit on your lap, they lay on your shoulder. They drape themselves over your thighs.  You know that little thing cats do with their paws.  I call it making their bed.  Some call it kneading. Well after one of them kneeded my stomach I needed, no I pleaded for salvation.

I'm not a religious person but I must admit, I prayed and then I made a doctor's appointment. When she was examining me I told her.."I think I have a hernia".  She said..."let me see".  I did and she actually gave it a poke and told me..."Yep that's a hernia".  I've been booked in for surgery but not for another month.  In the mean time I've got Weird Al playing on my iPod and I've put in a call to Sigourney Weaver.  Because you just never know what might pop up, or out.